Sunday, 26 June 2011
MUMenTUM - Such a failure
Yep, that's how I feel. A total failure. I'll tell you why.
This week I put on 2lbs. Totally expected as I didn't stick to the diet and ate donuts, chocolate, pastries etc. So of course I put on 2lbs. But I went to fat class anyway to try and get some encouragement. And I did. But there is one aspect of group slimming that I find very negative, and it's all in my head.
I have to be the best.
This isn't just a slimming thing. It's a life thing. I had to get As at school - I used to ask for spelling tests in primary school because it was something I was good at (and then wondered why the kids hated me).
Week after week I've had Slimmer of the Week, even Slimmer of the Month, which I felt a bit of a fraud having as I'm breast feeding which helps with the slimming. I've now lost 1st 1.5lb in 10 weeks. Averaged about 2lbs a week. But on Wednesday a guy came to group, second week in, he's lost 10lbs. Do you know how long it took me to lose 10lb??!! And then my friend who I took to fat class, and I know has a much higher BMI than me, lost 8lbs in a first week. Fantastic for her! Really pleased for her. But I've failed. I'm not the best anymore. People are going to overtake me on my weight loss journey. I'm going to be going to fat class for ever and I'm always going to be fat.
I know I've hit my wall and I've got to push through it, and I am trying sooooo hard to get back on track and keep going. Tell me I'm not mad and I'm not the only one to feel like this?
I've started and failed at so many diets, when I got to 1 stone I thought 'Yay, I can do this'. Now all my negative thoughts about dieting have come back and I'm convinced I'll fail. I have to get through this wall. I'm not even back to pre-pregnancy weight. Somehow, I've got to grit my teeth and get through it.
On the plus side there isn't any chocolate in the house anymore. I've eaten it all.