Yep, that's how I feel. A total failure. I'll tell you why.
This week I put on 2lbs. Totally expected as I didn't stick to the diet and ate donuts, chocolate, pastries etc. So of course I put on 2lbs. But I went to fat class anyway to try and get some encouragement. And I did. But there is one aspect of group slimming that I find very negative, and it's all in my head.
I have to be the best.
This isn't just a slimming thing. It's a life thing. I had to get As at school - I used to ask for spelling tests in primary school because it was something I was good at (and then wondered why the kids hated me).
Week after week I've had Slimmer of the Week, even Slimmer of the Month, which I felt a bit of a fraud having as I'm breast feeding which helps with the slimming. I've now lost 1st 1.5lb in 10 weeks. Averaged about 2lbs a week. But on Wednesday a guy came to group, second week in, he's lost 10lbs. Do you know how long it took me to lose 10lb??!! And then my friend who I took to fat class, and I know has a much higher BMI than me, lost 8lbs in a first week. Fantastic for her! Really pleased for her. But I've failed. I'm not the best anymore. People are going to overtake me on my weight loss journey. I'm going to be going to fat class for ever and I'm always going to be fat.
I know I've hit my wall and I've got to push through it, and I am trying sooooo hard to get back on track and keep going. Tell me I'm not mad and I'm not the only one to feel like this?
I've started and failed at so many diets, when I got to 1 stone I thought 'Yay, I can do this'. Now all my negative thoughts about dieting have come back and I'm convinced I'll fail. I have to get through this wall. I'm not even back to pre-pregnancy weight. Somehow, I've got to grit my teeth and get through it.
On the plus side there isn't any chocolate in the house anymore. I've eaten it all.
Apparently it's Breastfeeding Awareness Week or some such thing. Anyway this occurred to me earlier and it seemed rather apropo. I love breastfeeding. It's the best thing in the world for me. But that doesn't mean it doesn't have it's drawbacks...
- You will never know if you've gotten pregnant again because your periods don't return for ages anyway.
- You will live in a bra for however long you choose to breastfeed for or sleep in a wet bed. Seriously - the only time you will take it off is to have a shower.
- Secluded spots will become no 1 on your priority list when deciding where to go. Unless you're the sort of person who doesn't mind flopping it out anywhere.
- At some point you WILL end up feeding your baby in a public loo. I defy you not to be in some restaurant/posh place where you really feel it is totally inappropriate to breastfeed.
- Be prepared to one day end up soaking wet - your nipple pads have moved or are just full up. And you just have to put up with smelling of milk for the rest of the day.
- Somebody, someday, will get an unintended flash of your boob. Can't be helped.
- Your baby will feed like an angel at home but when you are out and need them to latch on and stay latched on else show your nipple to all and sundry, then is when they'll decided to play the hokey cokey - in, out, in, out, shake it all about!
- Once your milk lets down, the baby doesn't have to put much effort into sucking - it tends to shoot out of its own accord. This means either your baby will have a sudden choking fit as half a pint of milk pours down its throat or it will come off your boob and your milk will shoot halfway across the room and hit your unsuspecting toddler in the eye!
- You will never look sexy. Breastfeeding bras are not glamorous.
- You will permanently have a one boob look. See previous point!
- Breastfeeding a teething baby hurts!
- Your last breastfeed will make you cry. Whatever the reason, nothing is more emotional and sad than stopping breastfeeding.
For all that - for me, it's the best thing in the world and I wouldn't change it for anything. But I do wish I'd been warned!
I had a really positive post last week and I felt fantastic. This week has not been so good. I lost 2lbs last week, which was brilliant, but then set myself the large goal of 3.5lbs for this week which was not achieveable for me this time and the more I felt myself failing the more depressed I got and fell into a vicious spiral.
I've got bored with cooking. I do every so often. And I get so fed up of making 4 different lunches - something for baby, sandwiches for the kids, something for He Himself and then something for me so I've been living off Mugshots which, while low cal, are not the most filling of meals. I also somehow managed to run out of fruit (the kids ate all the apples - grrrrr!) and I didn't have any cold meats in to bulk out my salads. So I've been hungry and fed up and bored and as a result have had a catastrophic fail. I'm really not looking forward to getting on the scales tomorrow.
You know how you have a goal in your head for where you want to be next? Well mine has been to be into the next stone on my scales at home. I should have reached that this week and I haven't so have felt like giving up.
So what am I going to do about it? Well, I'm going to stuff the kids full of the donuts that are sitting around the kitchen, ignore the white pappy bread, write a meal plan, put some jacket potatoes in the oven for lunch and buy some fruit and cold meats. Hopefully that will keep me going over the next few days and get me back on track. I'm also going to go back to writing a food diary so hopefully my #MumenTum post next week will be a bit more cheerful!
Today I got on the scales at Slimming World and I have finally reached my 1 stone target (and a bit).
I am soooo happy because I've done Slimming World many times before, and the diet works but I don't! So I've never achieved a stone weight loss before, even tho I've always had at least 2 stone to lose.
When I first started going this time I was scared as I needed to lose 2 stone just to get to the overweight that I was before I got pregnant. And never having lost a stone before I wasn't sure I could lose 2! But somehow it's clicked this time (I've realised that Slimming World isn't magic, it's all about calorie control and as long as I keep that in mind I'm ok) and the weight is coming off! Ok, breastfeeding is helping but I am so proud of myself and am prepared to keep on going!
